Winter Antifolk Festival 2008 16th February / 12 Bar Club, London

It’s the second night of the festival and some of last nights revellers are a bit worse for wear.

Of course this is totaly what being rock and roll is all about and that’s why I turn up late and miss the first couple of acts. Halfway through Stuart James’s set I realise that he is the new eminem, great lyrics done so fast I can’t tell if they are great but assume they are cos he’s doing them really fast and although he’s slightly skiny he probably has a big cock.

The Bobby McGees perform a type of nursery rhyme style poetic elegant pop that makes me want to dive in to the beard and build a nest.

I get more drink and take loads of drugs to prepare myself for the onslaght that is Thee Assasins, I am not sure if I believe all the hype but they are supposed to be the most amazing band in the whole world and also the singer I have heard has an enomous cock too. The songs and the performance is a sheer marvel of decadence and wet pussy dripping brilliance in the style of old blues with a hint of hellfire and the victorian english gentlemans club.

I leave to have a wank in the bogs and take more cocaine then pass out for a whole hour before Joe Buzzfuz comes on with his quirky mix of insane emperor songs and psychedelic hawkwind style festival acid influenced (or so it seems) ramblings . He stands on stage elegant and beuatiful like a pure light from above coming to save my soul and I start wondering if he has got a big cock? I check his hands out and decide that he does, when he comes off stage I follow him to the bogs to try and persuade him to show me ….wow… he can certainly.

Last a long time cos i miss the next two acts …catch a bit of that old dinosaur brother clunk …and then smooze about in the foyer whilst the main act are on cos i wanna try and get in there with all the faces ,,, i try and start a conversation with Filthy Pedro but i think ive got the wrong bloke, I feel his arse to check how firm it is and its slightly squishy…. no one wants to talk to me anymore cos im too drunk so i start to ask everyone what time Lil’ Lost lou is on but get told that she is not playing …Tom announces that she did get asked right at the last minuet as an absolute desperate measure but she was too un-rock n roll to be able to stay up as late.

Realising my fav band is not playing I stumble home still wondering about the size of Tom’s cock , which I am told is of a good size.

Rock on Anti-folk, it was the best fest of the year.

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Who is I Cann? I can't tell you as I don't remember.

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